No New (white women) Friends: And the Tales Behind Why
Happy International Women's Day lol
Happy International Women's Day to all who celebrate and those who need to be reminded of its purpose as the world eases into another fascist epoch. I have great relationships with men of all sexual turns, but it has always been my femme-friendships that sustain me. Sometimes, they break me, too. No romantic partner has ever broken my heart the way some friends have. I am writing to you today about interracial friendships between women within the context of what IWD is supposed to highlight. Via stories of my friendships, I want to make the universal personal by exploring how inequality and discrimination can impact friendship between well-meaning white women (WW) and women of colour (WOC).
The topic of friendship has been weighing on my mind since the summer of 2024, ever since I was cast out by someone I thought was a new friend. The seemingly cool detachment with which it was done was shocking to me, causing me months of pain and dejection. I made myself build an emotional damn of closure I would never get from this person, even after pointedly asking. That person is not a white woman, so come back to MNOF for that tale soon. But the rejection from 2024 serves as a catalyst for a series of explorations of female friendships in adulthood, especially the ways technology has furthered connection to and disconnection from one another's humanity. Please gird yourself for at least four upcoming missives on female friendship.
The Inspiration:
We start with the murky grounds of friendship between women of colour (WOC) and white women (WW). Because I am Black, I will speak from that perspective as a woman and a university sociology lecturer. I am comfortable discussing race, gender, sexuality, and more. I will not use real names, but the stories are very real. I do not aim to be insensitive, but I do strive to be authentic. You can ask me about anything you read here. This missive was not inspired by IWD but by a TikTok I came across a couple of weeks ago that has resonated ceaselessly with me.
Here’s the short video:
First, snaps for Haley's modicum of Intersectional awareness. She is right about all those dangers and pitfalls of friendship (or even social affiliation) that WOC can sometimes experience with WW. Let's highlight the main threats Haley perceives WW to pose to WOC:
• Less likely to be a good person (everything below is disqualifying to be a good person)
• Racist (at a minimum, including being 'colourblind')
• White supremacists who will readily tie themselves to white men above all others
• Weaponises of emotion as if it is law
• Insistent arbiters of things of which they have no knowledge or experience
Many WOC made videos responding to Haley, testimonies from their lives, which highlighted the pervasiveness of these categories of betrayal. Only weeks ago, a dear friend of mine had this stark reminder visited upon her by such a white woman friend. I had met this friend several times and shared food and good times with her. The details of my friend's business are not mine to tell, but alas, I was not surprised to hear of Svetlana's betrayal and emotional weaponisation. These dynamics don't apply to all WOC-WW friendships but happen frequently enough to create a recognisable phenomenon.
A femininomenon (or whatever Chapell Roan said):
When I lecture students on feminism, I emphasise that one reason why it became fractured was that white middle class women's needs and goals were prioritised above those of other women. The kumbaya that mainstream feminism urges has always been a fantasy that demands silence and acceptance of marginalisation from WOC (particularly the Black ones) in exchange for partial benefits. There continues to be, among white women who consider themselves progressive, a tacit acceptance that their needs, their lived experience, and their feelings should have primacy in any relationship with WOC, whether it is for personal or political benefit. It is not right and impedes progress. Fundamentally, these subconscious ideas are built on Western society's framing of humanity, freedom and femininity as foundationally white. Because whiteness writ large is a fragile, delusional, parasitic mythology that requires anti-blackness in order to function, white people tend to lack racial self-awareness. This creates an intentional blindspot that affects their interactions with all humans. Everyone has some blind spot that we have to actively work to overcome. Yes, Tucker and Tabitha, who read The Guardian and donate to PBS, are still affected by this.
Colourblindness is a form of racial denial, not a benevolent gift to POC. White people see race as a topic that is impolite to bring up as part of someone's identity. Perhaps that is why white people think the claim "I don't see race" (racial colourblindness) is a good thing. The manufactured, unacknowledged association between "black" and "inferior" underpins the false idealism of the colourblind approach. If you don't see my colour, then there is no way you can fully see me. But these racial blinkers can fuel inaction, leading to outcomes that have real consequences on the lives of Black people. Things like calling authorities based on discomfort, not a threat; denying bodily autonomy; not showing up to vote because "both sides are the same and it doesn't matter either way", etc., etc.
Aligning with White Patriarchy
Back to Tabitha specifically. The hyper-awareness of misogyny and sexism without racial awareness is a dangerous combination. A keen blind spot for many a girl boss is the coveting of white, hetero-patriarchal power and authority. White feminists often unreflexively define the standard of humanity and equality via the achievements and behaviours of cis-gendered white men. Are the men getting paid X amount? Then I want that, too! Do the men have to be concerned with Y? Well, then, I should not have to be either! Women should not wear or participate in Z because men will sexualise and disrespect us! Lol, girl, they were never going to respect us in the first place and fuck them very much for that.
There is more to life than what (white) men have forged in their interests and denied to others. Frankly, Black women should be making more than them as ancestral payback for the ways our foremothers' literal bodies, liberty, and psychic and emotional wellbeing were forcefully exploited to fuel the generational wealth of families across Europe and the Americas. So many of life's possibilities are left unrealised when we limit ourselves to coveting white men's capitalist-hungry value systems, especially how that impacts our relationship with each other. If we want a better world for women, we can't follow men's blueprints to the same outcome.
Let me give you some real examples of the alienation this lack of intersectionality can cause in friendships and society.
Believe People When they Show You Who They Are
Between the shocking outcome of Brexit and the US election, 2016 drained me. I have never recovered (and neither has Britain and the USA). Immediately following the devastating election, I felt a deep sense of betrayal. But did I personally know anyone who voted in tandem with white patriarchal supremacist values that would set the rest of us back? Very soon, three white women I had known for years presented themselves.
Sherry:
Sherry and I were third-year Uni students when we met in India on a study abroad programme about culture and development. In the rush of youthful, early bonding, when one tends to form connections based on superficial commonalities, Sherry and I learned we were the only two evangelical Christians in our cohort of twenty. A kind but no-nonsense person committed to her faith, Sherry and I got along well enough, staying in touch intermittently via email. When Facebook came along a few years later, adding her as a "friend" was a no-brainer. The Sherry of 2016 was delighted with Trump's win. For her, it was a return to the kind of country God intended. Such language is always code for "Thank God that n*gger is out of office! Now back to the regular assortment of (male) whites". I was not very surprised by this, and therefore less hurt. We had not interacted in nearly ten years. I hit delete with a pitiful shake of my head.
Tawny:
Tawny and I attended Rockville Church of God together in my teens and early twenties. Generous, funny, and fun describe the woman I knew back then. She was a true believer but also not above selfishly bending the rules. This "bending" mostly applied to having (or doggedly pursuing) clandestine sex with single Black men in our church group.
I had not kept up with Tawny's life after I moved to England, but we had been Facebook friends since I joined in the mid-2000s. It did not come as a surprise that she had married a Black man and had—according to white supremacy's narrow, binary definition of race— two Black children with said man. Her Facebook status reflected a conciliatory air: "I know we won, but we should be mindful of how disappointed the other side feels" as if it were the Super Bowl result. My expectations for Sherry were in the toilet, as we had a situational friendship. But Tawny? I was angry with her personally and politically. I had sleepovers with her. I shared secrets with her. I knew her … or thought I did. We hadn't spoken in years. People change or grow into more of who they always were. Given Tawny's decision as a white woman who was married to a Black man and raising Black children with him, the implications still had me hot. How could she, as the mother of two Black children, vote for Donald Trump to govern America? How could she look her Black husband in the face and tell him she loves him after having voted for a man who openly sees Black people as inferior and encourages the police to assault them? Perhaps hubby had internalised anti-blackness and also voted for the blond booger. I hit the unfollow button with as much impotent force as I could muster.
Martha:
Martha was my wife's friend before we ever met. She supported our relationship, including its right to exist as a legally binding one under state law. She even visited my wife and me when we were still in the States. To this day, Martha sends me a birthday card every year without fail, even when some of my family members forget. But Martha let us know she voted for Brexit and supported Donald Trump. How she could look me in my face and say that, I do not know. Maybe Martha doesn't 'see colour' and is implications when she looks at me. Doesn't see that the law is unequally applied. Unlike the two women I had not spoken to in years, I changed my orientation toward Martha. I am not hostile or stopped with her altogether, but I regard her less fondly and have lost trust. That started in November 2016 when she showed her colours.
Are You For Real?
Some people may be whitely wondering, you ended friendships due to political preferences? Yes, Tabitha, I did. I am. I will. Yes, it is true that, except for Lyndon B. Johnson and Bill Clinton (white, southern paragons of American masculinity), the plurality of American white women's votes has gone to the Republican party from 1952 to 2024. This is what Haley's TikTok video defined as 'siding with white men over everyone else'. Even though such alignment comes with some pain, it also comes with privileges and protection that they weigh against that pain. It is a manipulation white men have been exercising in the name of whiteness since the 18th century, with the emergence of fashion magazines marketing toward women, but it is also a choice. Choices have consequences. In the words of James Baldwin (1965): "We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression, and denial of my humanity and right to exist." When you align yourself with white supremacist patriarchy, you are denying my humanity and right to freedom as a Black woman and POC who don't benefit from that structure. Why would I want to be friends with you? Dafuq. Friendship means something to me, even when I can acknowledge I'm not living up to its meaning.
Weaponising Emotions as Law
Many people think of racism as a direct, intentional act of hatred. They do not consider it in its most abundant form: deliberate oversight. That is the lack of care for, and failure to consider, Black and other people of colour's humanity and safety. The lack of consideration is equally dangerous. In the way that whiteness is prioritised in the definition of 'humanity', the same is true for the definition of 'woman'. The contrasting woman-ness and femininity between white women and Black women was made manifest as far back as 15th century European art during the high Renaissance. The darker a Black maidservant's skin, the whiter (literally), the more beautiful, more highly regarded the European woman appeared.
It is no wonder that with such roots, white women can sometimes present intensely passive-aggressive jealousy and malicious behaviour when Black women in the workplace (and casual social settings) are held in high regard. An intense need to bring us down a peg plagues some women like an ant infestation. Yes, I have stories!
Bethany:
Here is the most embarrassing thing about me I will ever tell you: as a yute, my first boyfriend was a wigga. Not like Timothee Chalamet once was, but like a poor imitation of the rapper Paul Wall.
Nathan was an outlier in an evangelical family. His sister and I were friends because of our church. I got to know him after a few rare visits to our multicultural church with his family. I liked him. We started dating, a fact both his parents and younger sister knew. He became the first person with whom I had sex, a fact neither his parents nor his sister knew. But his younger sister, Bethany, acquired this knowledge from a nosy neighbour friend who came by his parents' house at an …inopportune time for Nathan and me, shall we say.
Though we were over 18, what I chose to do with my body was still controversial. Wouldn't you know it? Bethany went straight to her parents, behind my back, and told them we fornicated in their living room. Guess what those white people did? They shamed me at church as soon as they could. They came over to my pew one Sunday when the altar call began, encouraging me to follow them to said altar. When I declined, they told me they knew about me and their son. They escorted me to the front and told the pastor I needed forgiveness. I will never forgive them, especially Bethany—the catalyst and so-called friend. She wanted me punished and probably thought that if she was following the white patriarchal Christian' rules' of pre-marital womanhood, then so should I. She probably even called herself a good Christian for what she did.
Shame is a tool for re-enforcing boundaries that have been transgressed. It is beneficial as a weapon against women and femmes because femininity is already seen as a subpar thing not worth prioritising unless it is to keep the social order.
From Gen Z to Boomers
Non-Christian white women have also betrayed me. In several institutions, I've had white women seek to punish me professionally because of my words or the high regard in which I was held by senior staff. I will give you a couple of examples.
Mini Karens:
Three 19-year-old British and European Uni students reported me to the head of the School of Social Sciences. They got butthurt over this slide:
In a class of thirty students, these three girls were discomfited because I said white women have always been a reliable pillar of maintaining white supremacy. I also told them that the 'All Lives Matter' slogan serves to purposely obscure Black marginalisation; it is not a term of unity. Maybe they believed in 'All Lives Matter' as innocent. Maybe they had T-shirts and keychains and throw pillows with the slogan. Who knows. I'm not sure which one made them more uncomfortable during my seminar. I was still a PhD student at the time. The senior lecturer who managed that module was a Black woman. Guess who those young women skipped over with their complaint to find the next white man in charge?
Big Age Bertha:
I was in my mid-twenties when a white woman at her big Boomer age began spreading office gossip about me. I firmly believe in the #SayNoToCoworkers movement, so I shared only polite conversations with this lady. This did not stop Bertha's jealousy when she learned I would be leaving the small marketing team for a fantastic leadership role at one of the Smithsonian museums. Because she could not wrap her brain around how someone like me could land such a position, she saw me as undeserving. Further, she made it her duty to influence others to think so, too, and set about dismantling my colleague's perception of me. When I tell you, Bertha flipped a switch and went from smiling in my face with fake platitudes of extending me help to being a crazed Karen, taking out the dissatisfaction of her life on me… Scary. When simple jealousy is combined with racial supremacy, it inflicts violence that is not always physically scarring. Thankfully, my manager (another white woman) did not play about me and intervened.
White Woman Highlander?
The culling of dangerous white women from my life that began in 2016 later spread to other facets of my life. My lack of patience for two-facedness, ulterior motives, and people's inability to communicate honestly in their relationship with me plummeted to anaemic levels. I had to work on my openness, not allowing hurt to impede future friendships.
Other than my wife, I have only one white woman friend that I speak to on a regular basis—one who truly knows me. She is a little blue dot in a Trump-supporting family in a reliably Republican state in America. I've known this woman for ten years. She is part of a small group chat of American women who came together because of their love for the TV show Scandal and my Tumblr blog about it. Some of them I have known since 2013.
After holding separate text and DM threads with each of them for months, I grew overwhelmed with keeping up, though I loved engaging with them. I created a group chat in March 2016, hoping no one would be upset when I explained why. My God, did it ever work out in ways I could never have guessed. They became friends with each other, too. Everyone in the group has met up with at least one other person. I am forever grateful that we all found each other. We are a group of Millennials, Gen Xers, and Boomers. The five of us align fundamentally (politics, education, humour, societal values, media literacy) but are different in other ways: Fijian-Indian, Jamaican, Igbo-Nigerian, Midwestern Black via Mississippi, Midwestern European mutt.
That's right, Sandy, my one white woman friend is also the only white in the group. Not once have I been disappointed by her; believe me, we critique everything in that group. I'm not shy about my criticisms of whiteness or white womanhood's insidiousness, whether I am talking about a TV character or real public figures.
Sandy is self-aware and racially aware without trying to be a cultural interloper. Without holding her up as some Pokémon card, I know that everyone is capable of disappointing others, and in that way, she is no different. Sandy is just a person, after all, and so am I. But that I still fucks with her heavy in 2025 says a lot.
Subconsciously, I think that after Trump's first election, I had no desire to cultivate friendships with white women, British, American, or from anywhere else. Of course, I'm not saying all white women are bad friends to black women and WOC. But unchecked whitness can lead to a higher likelihood of betrayal. I've only cultivated friendships with Black women since I moved to Britain, and five of them amounted to disappointing losses of various kinds, so all friends are capable of hurt. In the meantime, I'm not recruiting any new friends, white or otherwise.
But what about you? Do you resonate with Haley's TikTok about the pitfalls of friendships with white women? Or can you testify in the other direction about your interracial friendships? I want to hear from everyone :o).