Did Voicemail Kill Your Father?

Crotchety Files #34

This week, voicemails are top of my mind. And I have to let out the old, crotchety woman in me who doesn’t care what technological trends are being driven by younger people. Just because it’s a trend doesn’t make it good or valuable. What did voicemail do to fall out of fashion in the last few years? For a society of people who own multiple pairs of earbuds, why are we unwilling to leave a 15-20-second audible message about the reason for your call? Worse, many people outright refuse to listen to voicemails, or leave them for others.

Gen Z notoriously have anxiety about speaking on the phone to anyone they haven’t fully vetted, which…same-ish. It’s less about anxiety over a communication encounter than just not wanting to speak on the phone unless I know what’s on the agenda. I feel less likely to be manipulated that way. Many times, the potential topic matters more than the who. It’s not always the who; it’s the what. What are you asking of me? Of course, close family members and friends are primarily excluded here. This is about those with tenuous connections to my life who call and refuse to leave a voicemail. What is the rationale and expectation here? Am I to be compelled to return a call simply because you dialled my number? I have grown so tired of this trend that I’ve changed my voicemail greeting to a mild threat (more on that).

I’m not a fan of the phone:

To be transparent, I don’t like talking on the phone much, and I’ve been this way since I was a child, and phones had rotary dials and long spiral chords. I’ve always preferred seeing faces as a person moves their lips and words are expressed. I’m much more engaged. I’m not sure if this is a symptom of the ‘Tism, or what.

There’s a 50% chance I will not pick up a call. Let’s start there. A call from a number not in my contacts list? Baby, the chances go up to 100%. Eight times out of ten, a missed call from a number not in my contacts list is some marketer trying to contact me. I hate these calls (not the people), and I am not unique in this. Whether as caller or receiver, marketing calls always feel like a hostage situation or pantomime.

Sales and Marketing Calls:

I hate entertaining sales calls, and I hate making them. My beauty brand would never have lasted eight years if it depended on phone-based sales. Over a decade ago, I was selling 3D museum exhibition planning software. I had to make cold calls to UK and European cultural institutions. I never left voicemails, so I know why marketers don’t do it. It’s a waste of time and seldom leads to a sale. Because of this, I now assume any missed call that isn’t followed up with a text or voicemail is from a salesperson. We endure advertising when browsing most websites and on every single social media platform. Think about it: when you go to a marketplace or mall, you position yourself as a potential consumer. If you get solicited to purchase something, fair enough, you have chosen to be in a sales-related space.

But when I’m at home? Marketing calls are encroaching on my time and my life. I’m enjoying something that defines my existence outside of capitalist consumption. Call me at home when I’m in my robe so I can entertain your pitch about whatever product or experience they are pushing?

I don’t view these calls as ‘saving me money’ or a ‘good deal’. It’s just spending more money I wasn’t looking to spend. Hello Fresh: I don’t want to talk about winning me back with a three-week run of 50% off only to return to the default price by week four…or six…or whatever. It’s over for us. Move on. By not leaving a voicemail, I consider the call unimportant and unurgent. That, or you’re a telemarketer.

Don’t Piss Me Off:

I did not forget about my voicemail greeting/threat. You can listen to it below. But first, I’m going to provide two voicemail-related anecdotes from this week that pissed me off a little. Neither of these scenarios involves a friend, family member, or marketing. Because, again, this is about people who have a tangentially professional relationship with me.

ANECDOTE 1: Voicemail received

I was at work when someone in my contacts list called me for the first time in nearly six years. I could not speak then, but I would have been suspicious of the call anyway. The person worked for a brand I now know to be defunct. I had no idea what pastures she had moved on to and what the green grass there had to do with me six years later. I was thrilled when a voicemail popped up, conveniently converted to text for extra lazy points. I thought, finally, someone had heeded my threatening greeting!

My voicemail greeting

Except she only left her name and number (information I had before she called) with a request to call her back. Ok, but about what? Sooooo close, but no cigar. What I want to know is why you called. When people neglect to leave this info, I presume two things: 1) there is no urgency to this call, or 2) You’re deliberately obfuscating, which makes me spiral with the worst thoughts.

ANECDOTE 2: Voicemail sent

For months, I have been trying to arrange a meeting with a university student for reasons you don’t need to know. Three months after this back-and-forth and a meeting they never attended, the student—from their personal email—requested that I call them instead. Did they leave their phone number in the email?

After I reached out to the university department specializing in such information, I emailed back to say I would call the following day. I also noted that I would not be calling from my personal number because that’s a hard boundary for me with students. They cannot have my number. I’m not giving them my number to call when they feel like it or get around to it.

I called. No answer. I left a voicemail with pertinent information.

The next day, the student responded to my email saying they never received a call. One thing you should know about me is that I hate being lied to. Trauma from a young age has followed me, and because of it, I protect myself with receipts. I sent a screenshot of my call log, and suddenly, the student’s amnesia disappeared. But did they listen to the voicemail I left?

What are we doing here? You asked me to call you! At some point, you have to want to solve the problem more than the idea of being inconvenienced.

All Hail the Voice Note…I Guess:

For some bizarre reason, people behave as if a voice note is fundamentally different from voicemail. Every app incorporates voice note capability, making me want to laugh and scream. I love voice notes because sometimes it's too much to type! But I want to scream because why am I being gaslighted to think it's not the same basic technology as voicemail?

They both require listening to a message left by someone’s voice. A ‘note’ is a type of ‘mail’ –-someone trying to reach you with information. For the love of my sanity, leave a message and listen to your messages. In the words of Lauryn Hill:

It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard

[calling] you is like a battle and we both end up with scars

Maybe not that last part, but you get the idea. Leave and listen to voicemails!